New Job Offer!

I received this most amazing mail today. Have a fantastic new job offer now.

The person offering me the job is one Dr Nick Smith.

The job offer is from “EUROPEAN ASSOCIATION OF DEVELOPMENT RESEARCH AND TRAINING INSTITUTES”

The company profile -

“The above named Organization it’s an Organization that seeks Sponsorship from Clients/Donors who fund the Various Research Programmes
in Europe and around the World”

The designation – Payment Assistant in charge of collecting and Processing the Payment from the Association,Partner,Donors, Sponsors and Clients.

Now for the most attractive part – the Job profile.

1.Receiving Payments(in form of Checks or Money Orders)
from our Clients,Associates or Donors.

2.Cash the Payment at your Bank

3.Deduct 10% of the TOtal Fund
which will be your Percentage/Pay on
every Payment Processed

4.You will now send the the Balance(90%)
via Western Union or Money Gram Money

What a wonderful role! All one needs to do is to “receive payments” and keep 10% of the same!

In times of recession, truly a great job. I am almost tempted to take this offer up and become a “Payment Assistant”. How long can one go on writing code trying to get Grids and OSes to work better.

India’s T20 defeat

Sripathi has blogged about the analysis of India’s defeat at the T20 World Cup that is bound to follow. I accept his challenge and this post is a response to that call

India’s defeat, in my honest opinion, is mainly due to the following reasons (not in any order though).

• The lack of “skill” by the cheerleaders on the grounds. Their sober dancing was hardly motivating to the Indian cricketers, who are now so used to the energetic gyrations of the IPL beauties. And their sense of dressing is seriously objectionable, if I may add. Such gross overuse of clothing is highly inappropriate for employees of the motivation industry and our players could not recover from the dampened spirit.
• The lack of “star power” in the pavilion. Our cricketers are used to getting pampered and cheered off the field by Bollywood superstars. In England, they had to put up with Kirsten and his team after the matches.
• Our players got very used to the 7.5 mins break after every 10 overs. The continuous stretch of serious cricket for 20 overs was too much for our “young boys” to handle.
• Dhoni’s captaincy was severely affected by the “One Ball Ka Captain” contest introduced by Pepsi. If people can captain India by drinking, and Pepsi at that, what’s the motivation for Dhoni to put in all the effort!
• The prize money for the T20 World Cup needs to be up-ped by at least 100 times. What’s the fun in taking a game seriously, if all it will fetch are a few lakh rupees.
• The commentators need to improve drastically. The very boring, non-technical reporting they are doing during this World Cup is demotivating the Indian players. Yuvraj’s hits are described merely as “a Sixer” when a more appropriate description would have been a “DLFer”. Asking Harbhajan to just perform well and not give a “Citi” moment is unacceptable.
• And can somebody deck the trophy with a few hundred diamonds and emeralds please. Our boys have stopped playing for glass!

Let’s talk, brother!

India likely to talk again with Pakistan, says this article. The article also lists some reasons, two actually, as to why India now wants to resume talks with the perpetrator of the 26/11 attacks.

“First, it might
get the Pakistanis to at least attempt to stop the next big- ticket terrorist
attack against India. Sources said Pakistan is likely to sponsor another big
attack in J&K to push India to come to the table. This is nothing short of
blackmail, but India doesn’t want to be in a position where it might seem to be
succumbing to such blackmail”

Pakistan will sponsor an attack and force India to the “table”. So what do we do? We go to the table, before they force us! We avoided getting blackmailed, you see. Ha ha, you dumb Pakistanis, don’t you realize that you can never blackmail Indians into coming to the table. We will never let you do that. You think we are scared of “tables”?

The second reason…

“Second, Indian officials are clear that
the US, waiting for the elections to be over, will soon raise the talks issue
with India. This could come as soon as Hillary Clinton’s visit to India in July.
The government here is keen to pre-empt such pressure tactics.”

Ha ha, you American morons. Just in case you did not know, our government will never give in to pressure tactics. We will start talks before you put pressure on us to do so. Ab kya karoge???

What now, Mr PC?

Our Home Minister’s statement today seems to indicate that there is an element of surprise in the release of the LeT chief by a Pakistani court.

“We are unhappy that Pakistan has not shown the degree of seriousness it should to bring to justice the perpetrators of the crime”

When we ourselves do not show any seriousness in bringing the perpetrators of the crime (read Pakistan) to justice, why would the criminal himself show seriousness?

End of the road?

While I am not an expert in analyzing how political parties are likely to fare after Elections 2009, it looks likely that Sri Advaniji would not have a long political career ahead. It certainly would make more sense from the BJP point of view for him to begin a “transition” exercise.

I feel a little sad thinking that Sri Advani is going to join a huge band of politicians/social activists in India who are going to go down in History as the “also-rans”.

We have a record of forgetting our great leaders. Nobody takes the name of Sardar Patel in the same breadth as Nehru. I sometimes tend to think that the Sardar’s contribution was much bigger. One hardly ever remember’s Lal Bahadur Shastri. I am not sure how many of our future generations will pay P V Narasimha Rao the credit that he deserves for bringing our economy back on track.

I don’t even want to get into the pre-Independence era. Our history books have forever erased the names of hundreds of freedom fighters who made significant contributions.

Similarly, one cannot help but feel that history is going to remember Sri Advani as just another politician in Indian politics. I would have loved to see him get a chance at running this country. Not to be…..

And we thought it was a serious issue!

The Superman has spoken again. And this time, we have the most ingenious solution one can ever come up with. The problem of terrorism in India can be overcome in just 15 minutes. Yes, in only 15 minutes!

I reproduce the actual statement below.

“I am confident that this country can take on terrorism. Defeating it is no problem. If we empower those people in villages, we can sit back, relax and we will destroy terrorism in 15 minutes,”

When such simple, ingenious solutions exist to problems like terrorism, I am really disgusted by the attempts of Sri Advaniji and others to get us to believe that terrorism is a really tough problem to crack. Something that can be solved while we “..sit back and relax..” surely cannot be a poll issue!

I am already dreaming of that day when all the people in villages of India are empowered. 15 minutes after that auspicious Muhurtha,

• I can roam around freely on the streets of Bangalore, visit malls without fear, watch movies in theatres without worrying about any bombs or blasts because the villagers of Karnataka would have been empowered.
• People can fearlessly travel in aeroplanes between Delhi and Kathmandu because no terrorist will dare hijack the plane, lest the villagers of Delhi show the might of their empowerment.
• The empowered villages of Delhi, Rajasthan and Uttar Pradhesh will frighten the hell out of terrorists who will then never attempt to plant any bombs in any crowded market of Delhi, Jaipur or Lucknow.
• The people of Dispur will never again have to fear from any abandoned vehicle because, after all, the villagers of Assam would have been empowered.
• The empowered villagers of Jharkhand will ensure that no terrorist will ever hijack any train. People can enjoy the train journey and the scenic views on the way.
• All political leaders and industrialists can fearlessly go around without the need for Z category security. If they sense any threat, they only need to recall that their voters in villages have been empowered.
• The Page 3 folks of Mumbai can enjoy unlimited number of parties in Taj and other five star hotels because the empowered villagers of Maharashtra will prevent any terrorists from entering into their city.

My only discomfort with this plan is that the effort estimate of 15 minutes has been made dependent upon the successful completion of the task of empowerment of the villagers. I would be utterly disappointed if the Supermen came with a clarificatory statement in the next few days saying that the empowerment task would take 500 or so years. But then, if curing terrorism itself is a 15 minutes job, empowerment of villages should not take more than a day or two, even under worst case scenarios.

Wow, I am already dreaming of the day when all of us can “sit back and relax”!

India not shining

The heir-apparent has spoken again.

One more speech, one more “absurd” speech.

In order to understand epics, our great philosophers wrote Bhashyas (commentaries). These commentaries unraveled the hidden meanings of several statements in the original works and helped the reader understand better.

Rahul Gandhi’s speeches seriously requires such a commentary. In his latest speech in Assam, he says

“If you trust the poor, the country goes ahead faster. The poor in the country have shown that India is not shining contrary to the NDA’s claim”

According to the above statement, if the country needs to move faster, the poor need to be trusted. Which means you need a lot of poor people.

Secondly, he concedes that India is not shining. Even accepting that the NDA made false claims, he is confirming that the situation has not changed a bit.

Thirdly, in any typical election, the incumbents approach the electorate armed with their “achievements” while the opposition targets the lack of achievements by the ruling party. This election stands out for the incumbents’ approach of highlighting the previous government’s apparent failure. Be it Kandahar or India Shining, they almost only talk about the NDA government.  Given the lack of any serious achievement, we should perhaps excuse them for this strategy.

One more quotation from the same speech.

“Till there is one poor and one unemployed in the country, India cannot shine. This is our belief and we will go ahead holding everyone’s hand,”

There is not a single country in the world which can claim that there is not even one poor man or one unemployed man. Which means, according to him, India can *never* shine. It’s his belief,  you see..

Life goes on hope.  But RG’s belief about India’s inability to (ever) shine seems really firm.

I know its all election rhetoric. But you would expect a speech with at least a little substance from the “Yuvraj”, not such absurd stuff.

That particular speech has many more “gems”. But I am too irritated to comment on them. Enjoy!

“When Manmohanji and Soniaji won the last elections they made one promise to the people that if the UPA came to power it would be a government for the poor, common man, dalits and adivasis”

“A law was also made that if any Indian wants employment, the government guarantees that” – Note that it is entirely optional

“”Our farmers are helped by our government. Their Rs 7000 crore loan debt has been waived and the money given back to them to make a new future for them” – I thought if farmers took loans, *they* would need to return it and not the other way.

“”For children we have given mid-day meal in all government schools to help the very poor parents who can’t send their children to school as they have to work at home“ – Work at home?

“Manmohanji has relations with Assam and he has worked for the poor here” – I see…..

“He has taken up flood control projects and gave Rs 140 crore from the centre” – Of course, he is referring to the water problem and not  infiltration.

Advani and Kandahar

The “secular” parties have been going hammer and tongs about Sri Advani’s “failure” during the Kandahar crisis. The best thing about the past is that facts can be conveniently twisted to suit the present. I decided to dig up some archives and found that the ground reality during that episode was far different from what is being made out to be now.

On Dec 27, 1999, one day after the hijack happened, an all-party-meeting was called. The Opposition parties came out with a statement which is almost like a we-dont-want-to-get-involved-in-this-mess kind of response. Quoted below is their stance on the matter (source – previous link)

“According to political parties present at the meeting, such a crucial decision was the government’s and the government’s alone. However, they cautioned the government that whatever decision it takes must be taken keeping in mind the interests and safety of the passengers who were on board the star-crossed aircraft”

They literally washed their hands off the whole episode!

Secondly, a lot of noise was made about Sri Advani’s position on this matter. Read this article. This came out on Jan 1, 2000. It quotes sources to say that Sri Advani was very unhappy with the release of the terrorists.

“Advani underscored that releasing the terrorists would be tantamount to India bowing to the blackmail of the Taliban aided and abetted by Pakistan. Advani pointed out that the terrorists’ release would fuel terrorism in Jammu and Kashmir with a vengeance again, and all the good work done by the government would come undone”

It is completely strange that these parties are trying to now brainwash the public into thinking that the decision on releasing terrorists during the Kandahar episode was of Sri Advani alone, when it seems that the decision was taken in spite of his opposition. And the opposition parties at that time seemed to have “left the decision” to the Government while making it clear that the safety of the passengers was top most priority. Not sure how many other options were open after such conditions.

Finally, here is a video clip of our Home minister talking about his views on the Kandahar episode just a few months ago (video link thanks to Offstumped)

Strong in Action?

The UPA has started off a diatribe amongst Sri L K Advani, terming him as being “Strong in speech but weak in action“. The Prime Minister, the Super Prime Minister and the “heir-apparents” have all attacked him for mishandling the Kandahar episode. Their line of attack seems to be that it was wrong to let off a militant as it amounted to the nation buckling under pressure to terrorists who were holding the nation to ransom. Sure, there is a point in there. But then, there must be some really strong reasons why the UPA itself has done somethings that it has.

In Kannada, there is a saying which goes as “Tanna Eleyalli Katthe Biddidru Pakkadavana Eleyalli Nona Odisida” which loosely translates to “chasing the fly in the neighbour’s plate when one has a donkey in his own plate”. I am reminded of this when the UPA talks about “weakness in action”.

The last 5 years have been the “Rapid Growth” phase of terrorism in India. It has far outbeaten our fiscal growth and economic development. “Strong Inaction” is what I would term as the main reason for this uninhibited growth of terrorism. Actually, the right phrase would be “Strong in speech but stronger inaction”. Read my earlier post on the rhetoric of the government whenever there was a terrorist attack.

Worse still, the people of India are being denied justice as punishment is not being meted out to convicted terrorists. Case in point – Afzal Guru. The government says “….will go step by step to ensure punishment…” (quoted from previous link). The Supreme Court has convicted this man and sentenced him to death. What more steps are left to be taken?

And there are open protests within India against this man’s sentence. What “strong action” has been taken against them? Even more shameful, the previous (Congress) chief minister of Jammu and Kashmir has openly pleaded for mercy to Afzal Guru. What “strong action” has been taken against him? I reproduce below here the statement of the Congress spokesperson when questioned on Ghulam Nabi Azad’s plea for mercy to Afzal Guru.

“I am neither endorsing, nor rejecting what the chief minister has said… It will be one of the inputs in the decision-making process… Congress has noted the proposal”

Note the words used in the above statement (reference is in the previous link I have provided – and emphasis mine).

“…nor rejecting…” : Nothing but outright rejection would have been the least they could have done to such an unbelievable “plea”. The Supreme Court found that man responsible for attacking the most sacrosanct symbol of Indian democracy and they do not reject a “plea” for mercy towards him?

“…..one of the inputs in the decision-making process….”. What decision is left to be made? Smacks of communal considerations.

We now have Kasab being tried for the Mumbai attacks. I am sure there will be people pleading for “mercy” towards him soon. We do not need PMs and parties who will take such requests as “inputs in decision making”. We need PMs who are so weak in action that they see implementing court decisions as the easy way out on these cases.

The UPA folks have been saying that the danger to India is from within. That’s the only point where I can’t agree with them more.

Bangalore Traffic Glossary

a) Footpath

• A dedicated lane for two wheelers, including motorbikes, scooters and cycles.
• Only part of the road where pedestrians can (try to) walk without getting shouted at or abused – mostly.
• Parking space for two wheelers
• Place where one can buy vegetables, fruits, flowers and other ‘essentials’

b) One way road

• Road where a majority of traffic flows in one direction
• Road where one may need to drive slowly, and in a corner, if you are driving against the flow of traffic
• Road where one needs to honk continuously if driving against the normal flow of traffic

c) Service road

• A government introduced method to regulate traffic flow on busy roads.
• A method introduced to inject bottlenecks on busy roads by encouraging motorists to compete against the first-in-first-out principle of traffic flow
• Dedicated parking lot for trucks and other heavy vehicles

d) Road hump

• Man made construction to test the strength of the motorists’ spinal cord
• A tool to entice motorists into speeding. Typically deployed in a sequence that leads motorists to speed between two humps.
• Prime contributor to dents at the rear and bottom of vehicles

e) Road divider

• Government introduced mechanism to ensure revenue turnover and public spending by the City corporation, with natural benefic side effects for the project participants
• Mechanism to regulate self-created U-turns and Right turns by motorists
• Most patched/upgraded component of the road system

f) Jam

• Situation where more than one motorist attempts to enforce the fundamental right to his/her way. Typically occurs at a junction.
• A collision situation where none of the involved parties make any attempt at collision avoidance or collision prevention
• A situation arising out of a motorist not sticking to sub-point 2 under section “One way road”
• A situation which introduces an inexplicable desire to honk in motorists

g) Lane discipline

• An artificial situation arising out of a “Jam”. Applicable only to four wheelers.
• For two wheelers and autos, please refer “Lane driving” below

h) Lane driving

• A unique driving style adopted by two wheelers, and sometimes by auto drivers, where the motorist carves his way out of a Jam. Sometimes, this is implemented in a regular traffic signal as well. Involves manipulating the vehicle in the crevices between cars and other vehicles. Also involves a pattern of driving in parallel and then perpendicular to the slowly moving cars.
• Requires great driving and persuasive skills as car drivers are forced to let motorists ‘make way’
• Consistently recognized for contributions to the car scratch repair industry

i) Green signal

• Color of light emitted by electronic devices installed at junctions that prompt motorists to drive away at great speeds

j) Red signal

• Color of light emitted by electronic devices installed at junctions that prompt motorists to increase their speeds to significantly high levels
• In contrast, prolonged exposure to red signal can sometimes force vehicles to abruptly halt at junctions. The presence of a traffic policeman is known to increase this phenomenon greatly.

k) Amber signal

• Color of light emitted by electronic devices installed at junctions that greatly increases indecision and confusion amongst motorists
• It is noticed that the amber signal causes adverse reactions, sometimes forcing motorists to slow down but mostly prompting them to speed up
• Prime contributor to the hood-to-bumper collision phenomenon

l) Traffic policeman

• A government appointed institution dedicated to collect service charges from motorists for various actions performed
• Actions prompting toll charges from traffic policemen include left turn at a no-free-left turn junction, not halting vehicles even after sustained exposure to the “red signal”, appearing very young, etc
• Note that sometimes, simply riding a two wheeler could also attract attention from the traffic policeman
• Charges collected by the said institution fall into two categories – billable and non-billable, with non-billable charges being offered at a significant discount to regular prices
• Known worldwide for their unique style of pulling out the two wheeler key in the middle of the road thereby forcing the motorist to push his vehicle to the corner, thereby also regulating traffic by reducing speed of other nearby vehicles